One Year Later!

Today is the one year anniversary of my wife's death. It is with mixed emotions that I write today. Donna was special to a lot of people. The position at work was never filled - it couldn't be! Her job was spread out amongst many. She touch many people through out the world. Her hands and heart touch so many, but most of all, she touched me. She lifted me up when I was down, she sat me down when I was high on myself. She could walk hand in hand and not have to talk. She could hear before words were spoken.
I want to share her last words and the last moments of her life because this too was special. I want not to offend anybody by sharing this but it is on my heart to do so:
It was the middle of the night, 2 AM or so and she called my name. I rushed over to her hospital bed,(now set up in our living room)and took her hand. She asked me to help her set up because her back was sore. I sat her up and rubbed her back a bit and she looked at me saying "OK, that's better". She then laid her head on my shoulder and said "thank you, I'm ready to lay back down." I laid her back down and we held hands for a few minutes, she just talking about stuff that needed to be done, when suddenly she got a big smile on her face. She started saying " I've got to go, sorry I have to leave now. Good bye, bye - bye, I've got to go" she then put her other hand over her heart and said "amen,amen." The last words spoken bye my loving wife.

The Visitor

It was a dark night, caused in part by the cool drizzle that fell. I sensed, more than saw movement in the distance. I scanned the way in front of me but saw no one. Who, but me, would be out on such a night as this?
Home at last, I step into the doorway and hang my wet coat, am I alone? The house is dark except the light by my recliner that I left on upon my departure. It's been a long time since I came home to a greeting, a long time since I came home to anything. As I go down the hallway to the bathroom I again feel that I am not alone, I look around but see nothing.
After having a cup of tea and writting in my journal I'm more than ready for bed. I climb the stairs to my bedroom and again it seems like someone is right there but I can't see anybody. I have the lights on, nobody in the room, I check the walk-in closet, nobody. I check the bathroom, nobody! Am I going crazy?
As I drift off to sleep I try to look back on my day, what did I do and were my actions wasted? Sleep, uninterrupted sleep!
Awe, a new day!
Something is stirring in me, I need to do something special. It's a beautiful day. Fresh from last nights rain and now the sun shines bright in the clear blue sky. Yes, go out and enjoy the day. But wait, my friend is near. I can feel Him. It's like he is calling my name. No words are spoken but I can still hear my name, weird!
So, I start getting ready. I'm going to go for a bike ride on one of the many bike trails made for us in the great Pacific Northwest. I'm ready to head out the door when I notice my bible sitting open on the floor next to my recliner. Did I leave it there last night? Did I read in it yesterday? And then, I hear my name again!

Why me? Thanks anyway!

I should have known it was going to be one of those days. My knee hurt more than normal during my work out this morning. Then, breakfast was out because I didn't go to the store last night and had nothing good to eat.
If I had gone to the store last night I would have realized that I had left my sunroof open and my back window down. Did I mention it rained last night? I had about a half inch of rain in my cup holders and both front seats were soaked. I made do with a large towel on my seat but then noticed my airbag light was on, must have been the rain on my steering wheel. My seat dried out pretty good but then the seat heater for the passenger side didn't heat up to help dry out the seat. Must have been the soaking from the rain.
Got downtown (something I avoid is going to town), and found that my friend (Pro-Tem Judge) was only working the morning calendar and had already gone home.
Got a call from my tax person and was informed that I would not be getting a refund this year. I in fact will be paying a few thousand dollars. Ok, I'm choking at this point.
I think, I'll watch a little TV and just chill. What could be wrong with just sitting back and relaxing? I'm watching a dumb movie and the picture keeps freezing up and going into contortions so I figure Eh, I'l just switch because it is a pretty dumb show. So now it is a different channel, different movie and the same thing happens AUUUGGG!
All this on top of my mother-in-law dying of cancer last week and a friend dying of leukemia this week! My wife died a year ago, next Sunday, of cancer.
Has it been a crazy time for me? Oh yes! Is it about me? I guess the answer is yes in some ways (I've got a lot to learn), but I'm still alive and kicking and someone needs me strong and ready so I can't just sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Lord, what is it you want me to see?

Take Up Your Cross

Well here I am Lord! You said "take up your cross", and I am here to do it. It's not easy, you know, this self-denial thing. I mean to go through with it though Lord, yes Sir!! I'll bet you wish more people were willing disciles like me. I've counted the cost and surrendered my life and it's not an easy road. Do you mind if I look over these crosses? I'd kind of like a new one. I'm not fussy, you understand; but a disciple has to be relevant these days. I was wondering... are there any that are vinyl padded? I'm thinking of attracting others, see? And if I could show them a more comfortable cross, I'm sure I could win a lot more. Got to keep up with the population explosion and all. And I need something durable so I can treasure it always. Oh, is there one that is sort of flat so it would fit under my coat? One shouldn't be too obvious. Funny, there doesn't seem to be much of a choice here. Just that coarse, rough wood. I mean, that would hurt. Don't you have something more distinctive, Lord? I can tell you right now, none of my friends are going to be impressed by this shoddy workmanship thing. They'll think I'm a nut or something. And my family would be mortified. What's that? It's either one of these or forget the whole thing? But Lord, I want to be your disciple, I mean, just being with you; that's all that counts; but life has to have a balance, too. But you don't understand...nobody lives that way today! Who is going to be attracted to this self-denial bit? I mean, I want to; but lets not over do it. Start getting radical like this and they'll have me hauled off to the funny farm. Know what I mean? I mean, being a disciple is challenging and exciting and I want to do it; but I do have some rights, you know. Now lets see...no blood...OK? I just can't stand the thought of that Lord...LORD? JESUS? Now, where do you suppose He went?

Matthew 10:37-38
Luke 9:23-24

Whirlwind

Oh, what a whirlwind it has been! My mother-in-law just died yesterday morning after battleing cancer of the abdomen. This was just 12 days short of the one year anniversary of her daughters death from liver cancer. Before Donna died her mother lived with us and became part of our family for about ten years. Both cases, Donna and her mom, were fast killing cancers. Donna, only 41 days from diagnosis to death. Now, I have to put this too behind me.
Oh how I want to write a book, if only I had those skills!